so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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