woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
