I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
