apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
