Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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