that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
