ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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