So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
