Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
