So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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