just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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