i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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