all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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