3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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