yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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