remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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