Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
