so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
