Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
