Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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