just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
