Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
