Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
