Plan B is the new Plan A
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
