mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He passed out mid-signature
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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