She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
