I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
