True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
