dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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