Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
