If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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