She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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