my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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