I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
