Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
