Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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