you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
