he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
