I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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