You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
being pregnant is like rehab
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
