all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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