My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
