dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
