I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
