You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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