I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
