I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You made out with two different species that night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
