I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Farmville is her only friend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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