You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
