My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
