i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize