Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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