Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
