come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
