My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
